Christmas tree dilemma.

It is this time of year again! December 15th, only ten days left before Christmas!

Which means that if you haven’t gotten a Christmas tree by now, someone is disappointed with your lackadaisical commitment to the great and exciting holiday centered on costly gift/toy exchanges in memory of a guy who shunned money.

Although it is one of the less Christian part of the ceremonial, the tree, saved from insignificance by being capped with a China made cheap plastic replica of the 3 Kings guiding star, became the center of an attack on the freedom of religion in what used to be Western Civilization, an attack which it only survived through adapting in many ways, in form or shape, beyond simple name rebranding. And yet it remains a must unless you’re a dedicated stylite.

Luckily, the infinite variations now allow you to tailor your tree to your lifestyle and personality : there is a tree for you! In our list, you will find main categories but do not hesitate to search for more declinations.

Outside trees :

We have to talk about those even though they can’t really be bought or used by normal folks. The Rockefeller Tree in New York is the classic example.

We know this one won’t fit in your living room as it wouldn’t fit on most peoples’ land, period. Only communities or commercial ventures and crackpots use huge outside trees making all dogs and cats and many humans jittery on account of these brighter than noon nights until mid-January.

These big trees do take more special shapes especially as below in Spain where snow is not a big concern.

And some mysteriously pop up inside as this one in a Paris old-school Grand Magasin.

Having settled the commercial stuff, let’s review real options.

Top Notch :

You’re a hero from the medieval times to all your kids except the one you had accompany you Christmas balls deep in the snow to reach it and back cuz’ the ones in the first half of the forest just weren’t good enough. Your wife thinks you’re the reincarnation of Davy Crockett since she stayed home and missed the fun and expletives which may get you bonus roleplay sex if you are not too exhausted. Avoid marring this good start by letting them set-it up: your job is done until New Year’s Eve.

Drawback : the kid that came along will wait until getting his/her own place and adopt the Stephan Ormal tree.

 

Top notch too.

The perfect tree, simply put you have the perfect Christmas tree! It fits and fills at once; the fireplace is a must and condemning the living room for three weeks is not a problem because you have two more. Of course it was raised by forestry artists ( they prefer sylviculture nowadays to brand their craft ), sent on a flat-bed lorry installed by your reno guy and decorated by a team of professionals but heck we’re only gonna be rejoicing on the birth of a semi-beggar in a manger in an inn’s back shed, let’s spare no expanse. There is another price on perfection apart from money : the result is as fake as it is perfect.

The best of the best.

Simply put, the tree of normal lucky people with a sincere relation to the symbol. The tree big enough for your home that doesn’t require cutting out the ceiling ( and floor of the master bathroom as well ) nor be bent in half, gets decorated nor garish nor too sparsely by the ornaments you have ( maybe with another box or two ). You can’t miss it and yet you can because the volume is proper and besides that’s not what really counts and it smells good!

Christmas may be spiritual but that lively presence of nature in the house closed on itself for winter is almost as reassuring as it was for the distant Romans that made it a habit from which it comes or the Middle-East pagans of half a millenium earlier. In any case, it will be the witness of rejoicing. I simply can’t put a picture of that one, sorry! Take it yourself at home. 😉

Almost but not quite.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a looser! This tree is at risk of being the majority every year for the very simple reasons that all the above can fall into this category with a single small moment of inattention. Oh! Of course, there are legions of bad trees from the onset :

Synthetic :

3 days left to order.

It’s made of petrol but is ecological, well, sort of. It can look like a tree if you put the price, granted! A price which itself is spread over many years so it’s not so bad but choose wisely! And of course forget the realistic scent of brushed needles; no way anyone mistakes the cat for a lynx in the multi-scintillating light as it swings a draft of Febreeze from the add-on room perfume attachment with its passing tail, especially if you picked the ginger cookies scent.Then again, it is the last on to pack advantages a plenty like no frigging needles mess and no fighting with the garbage guy for him to pick it up. It’s most endearing feature that places it at the top of the also rans is that it can shield you from both the rigorous faithfuls that dislike the pagan add-on theme and those that hunt traditional enough offerings in the domain to chastise their owners until their switch to X-mas or Holiday tree with one answer for both :

-“But man, it ain’t even a real tree … or nothing!” *add wink*

The fake trees are also adequate for small tenements or places where it is warm without a fireplace.

Fake tree.

This one is synthetic with a twist, first of those that fell a notch. For instance, you can buy your fake tree pre-lit! That’s clearly the logical choice, why spend too much time putting up a fake of an improper symbol of the birth of a guy would did not get to decorate a single Christmas tree. It is when bending the rules becomes it. From there on, every ungracious choice can be justified. We can suppose from the lack of effort that, barring the plausible excuse of depression, you don’t care enough about ( or possibly expect in any case ) the sneers and reproaches you’re certain to get. This may in turn limit the number of visitors and ultimatley their expectations until it really doesn’t matter any which way so that it may like all its looser brethren end up being the right choice for many.

Any fake tree can be had today, it’s useless to compile them, suffice to say that Charlie Brown’s tree

is now sold on internet :

and in Lego version for minuscule apartments :

Imagination or perversion?

All the above trees can be made different :

a birch instead of an evergreen, unconventional placement and ornaments, etc. The secret of staying on top there is simple : the principle of exclusion applies! If you get a skinny leaf less deciduous ( that you “killed” as surely as the other type BTW ), use old-school decorations. If you get skulls and bones shaped balls, put them on the contrasting live background of an evergreen and so on, because it can turn stupid easily

or perverted, either by not heeding to the above advice or by simple incidents wrecking the best tree set-up. The latter is easy to grasp : trying to fit a real candle on every branch of a non-watered pine facing the chimney and back to an electric heater; adding steaks as ornaments to proclaim your post-modern interpretation of X-mas forgetting that you have both a cat and very dumb friends; putting the tree upside down, lodged in place by friction and load it with heavy metal trinkets even though you know the upstairs neighbour will bang his boot on the floor out of rage as soon as you pump up the volume on your Twisted Sisters Christmas album.

and no Christmas tree is safe in a house with more than one boy between the ages of 6 and 26. The former concerns unplanned accidental unforeseeable events and answer to Murphy’s law so that in the 24 hours after Christmas the chances that an electrical fire, a bad fall or discovering too late that the stench that had all eyes crying to welcome the saviour was sourced in a vomit puddle behind the gifts that even the cat had found and avoided and thank you very much Uncle Bob will ruin your holy night falter to statistical non-meaning for 11 and a half months.

 

ISO-Jeff  tree.

That one is complicated! Context : Jeff is a friend of mine that builds stuff like most of us breathe. There is no doubting his abilities and all he made that I saw or took part in is still standing soundly. But the ideas, planning, management and results can be on the unexpected side. Jeff says that he has his own set of ISO rules ( standards that define homogenous work protocols ); so what if it looks a little alien : It’s ISO-Jeff! M’well …

In theory, it should come out about even : what is lost in traditional style is largely compensated by imagination and it’s likely too weird that the politically correct would bug you. It has no lights but it scares wildlife and could catch lunch for you. More importantly, it should have intense kids appeal, sadly they left with your soon-to-be ex-wife for her parent’s ( that have a normal tree ) right before the neighbors called the police.

Stephan Ormal tree.

And lastly, we find my old hermit buddy friend and his non-existent tree. He’s been joined by many from our list since we began but curiously remains alone, joined in spirit only. Had even one found his place that he could not have witnessed the absence of the sacred ornament since Stephan would not have let him/her in. Again, it bears repeating, what seems like bad choices in Christmas trees end up great ones if they fit. I’ll force my buddy to swing by to see my tree which with the regular one in his family for the Christmas party thrown in will ignite his furor until next year.

Finally most images link to their source and articles on Christmas trees including very strange ones so if this list spurred your interest, check them out and … remember : it used to be about loving each other unconditionally.

😀 Good day and Merry Christmas, Tay.