Super Bowl : Fiction, pun(t)s and predictions.

” Warning : This post contains some adult language matter and may hurt some sensibilities, especially football fans’ ones! NC 17 like! “

The Super Bowl is upon us again. This sporting event is the epitome of America, not because it embodies the best values of the United States but for how representative it is of it. Just think that on this day, Americans unite more than any other save Thanksgiving as evidenced by food consumption ( second place for the Supper Bowl? ). This has led many to believe that it stands on the podium of American Holidays with the Fourth of July added to the list. And indeed, TV audience numbers confirm that as the Super Bowl’s record of 111 million domestic viewers ( 167 World wide )in 2012 which is expected to be broken this year is only rivaled by the UEFA Champions League finals as annual events go but the former is a sport played only in the USA at such a level whereas the latter is the most shared sport on Earth? It goes to show how Super that Bowl is!

Fiction Flash :

As he exited the elevator with his caddy full of mopping and fixing gear, mister Norton felt unsure about something, a nagging feeling of having made a mistake. It all cleared into recognition of a grave error as he reached apartment 513 where he’d been called to fix that leaking toilet and his hand fumbled needlessly near his belt at the hip. Shucks! He had left his big coiled set of overloaded key rings in the bowl on the entrance table of his place and would have to call the general superintendent for help, the ultimate shame for a maintenance man!

Moral and title : The super’s bowl!

So, what can be said about the Super Bowl of 2014 that might be different from the 47 previous ones? Well, it is the first time in history that it will be played in full winter in an open stadium and that is important. You’d probably think it would favor a team used to such conditions and that would have been true enough had one such reached it. On an average year with the season ending in a humongous air-conditioned building, it has been debated whether or not the fact that what is a summer and fall sport ends up with a winter finale makes sense and if so which.One would think that if the Patriots, Packers, Bears or Steelers had made it they’d be favored by the temperature? Well the Broncos are then since their coldest games of -12C/9F ( 1972 ) and -11C/11F are well below what the SeaHawks are used to and the second came just last year on January 12th? Advantage Broncos in the cold then except if there’s snow since a good running game is important under those conditions and that would favor the SeaHawks instead? But such subtleties  only come into play because the game is outside and that brings us back to this historical first.

Honestly, American Football is the perfect Autumnal sport! Yes, when the suns shines on the fake grass and the colored uniforms speed by on the giant screen it is appreciable but not that much m,ore than any other sport except for the big hits. And yes, when the gridiron is covered in snow, the players look nice sprawling around to recover fumbles. Still for this viewer that used to play, nothing spells football à la US more than MUD!!!

Neil Leifer Getty images.
Click for link to excellent
Huffington Post interview.

And yet, in a confusing reversal of their respective seasons, just as the NHL is now hosting outside games in warm climates , the NFL is now going the winter route. Which had me reflect on the coincidence of February Football outside and the Winter Olympics that are due in 9 days? This brought about strange thoughts. The Sotchi Bowl : maybe, as long as it gets played outside in the cold New England zone, the show could have been moved to Sotchi. The weak foreign policy of the present administration could have thus scored a touchdown as we all know that Vlad supermuzchina Putin likes to exhibit his macho image by being photographed playing sports :

Fine with hockey with the national team as no one would dream of cross-checking the Prez for fear of playing in Siberia for the next few years. But if the Super Bowl was played in Sotchi and Vladimir invited to play, we could have had the pleasure of seeing him squashed by Terrence Pot Roast Knighton ( Denver ) followed by Richard Sherman ( Seattle ) nastily celebrating over his flattened bod? Talk about a hard hitting Foreign Policy move, huh! 😎

But since we mentioned hockey already and the converging outside seasons between the 2 sports how about a Skating Bowl? Same game, same rules, same equipment with skates replacing spikes? Just water the field for a couple weeks prior and paint the lines red instead of white? Most players will look ridiculous but if even a couple tackles are registered while flying at full speed over the ice, that would be historical, trust me! 😀 And just for the pun of it, Scathing Bowl? I mean, we all know how badly behaved and foul-mouthed some guys can be so maybe, just maybe, as long as we get more pre-game TV coverage than for an election convention nowadays, the Bowl itself is Super-fluous? Just have the players insult each other for 3 hours and whichever team trolled and flamed the most wins? That would fit in dandy with the country’s penchant for trash Reality TV?

Another fun idea would be to forget the darn ball? Just let the guys loose on the field and deal with each other? The format could be changed to three fifteen minutes rounds and whichever teams still has players standing or the most of ‘em wins? You might argue that the violence would be excessive but not much more than at an MMA show? Super Brawl! What’s more, this would allow to maximize another trend which IMHoO overshadows the game :

TWO half-time Shows? 15 min brawl, Bieber throwing eggs at the marching band while he sings his latest hit : WTF I am.  (What Total F..kwad ) then 15 min. brawl and Miley in football tights (or athletic support ) and shoulder pads only simulating sex acts with a ball and helmet and rubbing at the referees in memory of her VMA “performance”? And that time the big foam hand would be at home? Slutty Bowl.

See? You got the idea! There’s really no limit to what we could do with the Super Bowl concept as long as we accept the essential point that has been hammered into it/us by the cash and media ( the ads are now so costly and good that many viewers could go for 3 whole hours of them / Seller Bowl ) and ludicrous dates, namely that the game is now secondary if not tertiary to the whole thing? And that’s saaaaaaad!

But heck, there will still be a game and just in case some of you intend to watch the whole extravaganzany for that reason, here is my prediction : the Miami Patriots by a a field goal 24-21 over the GreenBay* Panthers on account of excellent Adrian Peterson running in the snow!

What? Whad’ya say?

Tay.

* If the Super Bowl involved or was played in GreenBay, should it be mandatory that GreenDay provide the half time show?